Kuch Dil Ki Baat

Normally I despise shayaris....hate it when someone sends the senti ones to me....
But I got caught in a different mood and wrote down some...

Kya kare...koi milke gaya humse abhi..
Shayrana kar gaya mausam abhi.. :-):-)

Is dil ek kone mein thodi si jagah hi to mangte hain...
Manaa ki aap ismein baste hain,
Bas kabhi mera tha iski gawahi to mangte hain

Ladte hain hum, manaa ladte hain humhein...
Par ye bhi to dekh zalim, jalte hain humhein !!

Jitna woh humein door nazar aate hain,
Utna hi hum unhe kareeb pate hain....
Haathon se naa sahi,
Aankhon se hum unhe chhoo jaate hain. :-)

E-shayar, manaa mere labzon mein teresi kashish na ho..
Zara is dil mein jhaank kar dekh, bhul jayenge unhe,
Agar in armaano mein teresi kashish na ho...

Dil ki ye kashti kabse liye khade hain..
Dil ki ye kashti kabse liye khade hain..
Aap kinare par bulaye, is aas mein,
Majhdhar mein hi khade hain !!

Kaun kehta hain deewarein iit patthar se banti hain,
Woh humein thanks bol de,
Deewar to yunhi ban jaayegi :-(

Rehte the hum kitabon mein, baste the hum nagmo mein,
Khinch laye bahar humein kehkar, dekho, kitin hansi ye duniya hain..
Dekhi ye duniya..joostjoo ki rabse...paya bhi bahut sabse..
Bas ek talaash baki hain...
Woh mile to hum laute..
Bas ek hansi ka pal mile to hum laute :-(

The BULLET - MY KARMA

To be or not to be...seems the question........
Is my wrong, your wrong and your right, my right ??

Just trying to put the same point fwd...thru the autobiography of a bullet...

I am a bullet. I am writing this to my creator.So what should I tell you about me

that you would not know. Well you are of the species of my actual creator and not

the same one. You may not know how I am made...
Well then be my audience..I am a bullet for a short gun...As I was being moulded

from raw iron, all the tedious processes, the rigorous procedures engrained into

me one thought.. paththar ki lakeer. I am designed to kill. The destiny of a bullet,

its direction and aim is in the hands of its persecutor. But its karma is to kill,to
be accurate and deadly. The violent and volatile conditions in which my creator
fires me may send me anywhere. I will get only one chance, but I

will rip through whatever comes in my path and kill it. I am what people fear. I

open the gate to their death and hence they fear me.
With my karma firmly set in my mind, I entered the practical world. We all bullets

were companions in one case. We knew we would get one chance for glory, one

chance to prove and perform. Hence, we would be ever-ready and ever-alert.

When one of us left us forever, our impatience and excitement would only

increase.
Then came the day.I was picked up and put in a gun.Ah, the cold feeling of the

barrel/slot of the gun. Finally I am here. I am going to kill, I will do my ultimate

job and reach to glory. I have to kill, kill and kill a human target. This thought

revolved day-in, day out in my mind.
And then the gun started shaking around. It was whisked and jerked all around.
I knew instantly it was time for action. But no bullet was dispensed for a long

time.Then my boss revolved the slot and I was in line to be fired out. The situation

started clearing for me. My executioner was an armyman, whose shot never failed.

The guy opposite to him had held a girl hostage with a knife and was threatening

to run away or kill her. Tension gripped the atmosphere and I couldnt wait to kill.

If I killed him, I would have done my karma and would be happy to be dispensed

forever after that.
It seemed it would come anytime and when the trigger was pressed and I was

propelled forward, I lurched for an instant but then with great energy I zoomed

ahead.But as I neared my target, I realised something amiss.I will get him, I may

just get his side...No, I may miss him. I want to kill that damn man.But I realised

the trajectory along which Jack had fired me would take me just near the target

enough only to brush his arm. No, this is treachery.This is not justifiable.
My fate depended on you Jack. You told me to kill, I will, but why dont you give

me the damned chance....This is not real..this is not happening.....
But it was inevitable. I was completely helpless.I could just brush the side ofthe

kidnapper, just shaved off the surface of his flesh.I buzzed past in anger, regret,

denial, helplessness,anger. True you humans control my destiny like God controls

yours, but he gives you chances and choices, and you are ever grateful to him for

that.
But what about me..Will I be destined to the garbage bins, spent and wasted. I

striked hard against the cement wall and in all my anger lodged into it.This was to

be my coffin for eternity.I did not pay attention to the sudden commotion

outside.Probably the kidnapper had killed the girl. But the voices changed to

laughter and dared to venture outside.Maybe a 2nd bullet had been fired, which

had done the job.
But no, the kidnapper had just my wound. He was lying on the ground and

clutcihng his shoulder, with Jack over him. It was all over.
And then it dawned on me.To get someone into submission, doesnt require you to

actually kill. Fear of death is enough.Jack had avoided death at his hands and still

got the guy. Then did I realise my true purpose, my true karma in life. I had to be

made to have the ability to kill and I had to be instilled with values to kill. Who

knows in some other situation I would have killed the opponent. No but killing was

the result.
My true purpose is to rip and tear, to incur the maximum possible damage. My path

is controlled by you, my creator, I may not understand your purpose, but I have

to believe in you that you will make max use of my abilities. But doing the damage,

in flesh, or cement or any material is my job.
And I have done it. I have :-) And kid as you play around with me, toss me and may

throw me away, I wish to tell you one thing : I do not despise my purpose or my

fate.I may not understand why you fire, whom you fire, whether it is moral or

ethical or patriotic...But what I cannot control, cannot understand, I will not

interfere..I will not pass a judgement. I will do my job..I will pierce and rip

through...I will do my karma.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the point I wanted to make..I dont want the bullet to hv compassion..i want it to be proud in its ability to kill....dont ask me y...i just felt so..its ok to be what you are..and we need tough and ugly measures....

The Man who Married Himself - 2

this one is an inspiration from ZINDA.. a Hindi movie starring John Abraham and Sanjay Dutt.....in terms of craziness n pain...


A man is imprisoned for say 10 years n his only company during all this time is a mirror...(NO TV, could be full-length...will be better..)
The only human face he can see and interact is his face in the mirror...desperate for company n dialogue, he makes the person in the mirror, a sea of personas, a multitude of emotions....

His mentor, his friend, his watchman, his boss, his mother, his neighbour, the bombshell next door, the bus conductor, the liftman, his girlfriend, his wife, his mistress, his subordinate, his colleague, his victim.....

The face in the mirror bore marks of his interaction with all of these...the cuts made on the victim,the slaps to the subordinate, the signs of violent luv, ...

Then this man, a physic killer trained in the army to kill,(armyman) ( if u want..depends on u...) , is set free ( bcoz his sentence is over)... His first day in the new world is chaos n confusion n utter panic.....no one to talk to...no place, no technology can be understood, the traffic, the buildings, the language, the food seems all alien...And there is no one to talk to....the jail ppl try to get him to classes to make him learn something useful for survival...but all this is gibberish to him...he wants to ask, to know, oh there are so many things...but ppl will not answer him...but Worse, they will not leave him alone...

Information is abundant, but Understanding is wanting...

He is given a house, a job, ( a rather boring one), and since he is 40 and going strong, his army friends try to include him in their nightly excursions.....he takes part in the world, but he still feels very lonely within....
he starts interacting with the mirror in his house n the office restroom n the one in his pocket.... but still ppl wont leave him, will give him curious looks, they think he has gone crazy...
How ironic that interacting with oneself, needing no one, be considered abnormal...no, this has been his life past 10yrs and he will do what he wants....
And so one day,
THIS MAN MARRIES HIMSELF....in a simple ceremony....the Bridegroom is HIM, the Bride is HIM, the Pandit is HIM, the Baraatis is HIM, the Band is HIM, the Parents is HIM, the FIRE IS HIM, the SINDOOR, the BLOOD is HIM...

U can guess the end...he marries himself n in the process, kills himself.....

Something is Amiss !!

Inspiration …. Got a sore backache…n an unsettled and irritated mind…



Something is Amiss !!



Something is amiss...says my mind.....

Ok... says I

Something is amiss...says my mind.....

Ok... says I

Something is amiss...says my mind.....

So find it...says I



Yes Yes it has to be found out..

The mind rushes around in circles trying to capture the ans..



Help comes in all forms --



U dont have enuf of me.....

U dont have enuf of me.....

Uff...now u see....U dont have.......says Time...



What do i do with u ....says mind...

Well I am all that U have .... capture me like a miser and spend me like a spendthrift..

dont let me go...says Time...



Ah..says the mind....now I get it......

and it goes round....catching every moment...ever watchful of it....

then throwing it to the wind....



I have to spend it...thinks the mind......i have to fill it.....

with...ofcourse with events...with things...with efforts....



So, pushes the mind.....says..do this...do that.....

Then I will have everything and nothing will be amiss....

It rounds around fast...scheming, planning and executing......



But there is a catch, as always is, as there is a blot on the moon...

there is a catch to every story....



The body is groaning..panting...heaving....

Oh...the body cries....U r hurting me...u r killing me.....

leave me...just leave me alone....



Now a senapati ( wats the english word :-( ) ...cant fight without his soldiers...

a dhobi needs his donkey......



and my body wont support my mind...poor thing....

The mind consoles...cajoles...threatens....

U cant let me down....Something was amiss...We are getting it all….says the mind...

I dont want to lose it.. says the mind...go ahead...go ahead...continue....



and the body goes on....it wants to stop.....

but something is amiss....says the body....wat is it...wat is it..

the mind has lost its mind...says the body...

yeah i need one idea...the idea to stop this missing of the mind....

replace this missing with that something....hahahaha....cries the body....



Can I, will I be able to....says the body....

and the body replied....u have started...u cant stop it....its not ur power...

yes yes yes.. says the body...



and it replaced....and the mind stopped minding...

it forgot something was amiss...

it was so full of something...it forgot anything else was missing.....

says the mind....I am so full...its all so dammit full.....free me..free me...

oh body...free me...free me...from your suffering, your pain...

Ah it is all pain that I can feel...continuous never-ending.....



I want nothing....I desire nothing...just leave me....says the mind...

Then the body smiled sadly....my dear friend...I tried to be ur company...

ur humble companion....I rushed around u in circles...



I lost...lost....i got weak....I tried to pull u back...to make u understand..

but alas...now we 3 are companions....

U cannot leave it.....U will not miss anything anymore....



Welcome to the party .... says the pain

!!

The Man who Married Himself - 1

Hi,

One of my friends wanted to make a short film and hence gave me this topic to jot down some crazy bizzare ideas....
The first one, written on a lighter note, follows :

See this guy Asmit goes to a purani haveli...He is an architect come to repair this old haveli...A tune rings in the haveli n he gets attracted to the voice...as if it is

coming from his self...at the end of a long corridor is a hall n in the hall is the potrait of the most beautiful royale young female, he has ever seen. Needless to say he falls in luv with her and takes a pledge to marry her or die without her...

But alas before he could find her, he is killed with a knife..

So, coming to present day, our own Asmit (since he is born) starts getting headaches n hears weird voices...a deathly cry...things get worse...he feels the urge to dress up like a queen n dance n sing....
Now obviously he thinks he's becoming a gay or something ;-)), he is at his tenterhooks and goes to commit suicide by latkofying by the pankha...and then the whole room starts swimming in front of his eyes n…..

then he gets the flashback of the picchla janam as described above....but the story

doesn’t end here........
He gets one more flashback, he sees himself dressed as a danseuse and dancing n singing...he sees himself, no herself, no i mean himself , flirting n seducing the king...he is the GIRL in the potrait...
Asmit comes back to present day and is overwhelmed...he realises he as HIM had luved he as HER....and he as HIM has sworn to marry he as HER and he wont get peace till he does so..
So, ASMIT MARRIES HIMSELF....

in short i as male/female luv i as female/male in some other lifetime and hence marry myself...

The Joke -- With Him

If you find this written, a joke, on my part, well that’s one more angle to look at it….

U wont agree to most of it, I wd be surprised if u do….



It would be such a joke upon the world.....if U turned out just as we think u are.....



And just what we think u are.......well some say u are all-loving, all-forgiving, all-knowing.

So if i understand them correctly, it means, boss u are allowed to do sins, if u learn to repent

it later when u have got urself in a real mess...repent n god will get u out of it...

Is this why the bigger the criminal, the confident he is.... ?????



But then, Some say you are to be appeased all the time, u may get angry on small mistakes....u know when

a person on earth has eaten in a fast or when came to a temple unbathed.....and u give punishment.

If I dont do puja, u will not bless me. Dont u get smothered with so many ppl worshipping u.

Wouldnt u like to be left alone for a while.

Ppl say so, leave Amitabh and Sachin alone, what about you...????????? I really dunno...



Some say you have borne us in this world to bear all hardships...well now I get it, that is why you

give hardships in first place...seems a bit more in place now...all the pain and suffering in

the world...the rapes and killings…..the betrayals n foolings……



But then some say, you have got us here, but we have to be detached from it. Its like sitting

on a oven and not feeling the heat...i guess by either having a suspension by way of which one

is always suspended 4 inches from the oven or by having a never ending supply of ice...dunno this

prob is so difficult, i dunno how ppl believe u have assigned us such a difficult task...



Some say dont be emotionally attached, and the ONLY DIFFERENCE between humans and the other

creatures is EMOTIONS and FEELINGS....I dunno if just living without getting involved...without

thinking of what I am doing and how it would affect the other person....how to do it...so many

ppl do it....God I know I am digressing, but now I feel I have to learn it....

now this is not fair.....i am confused....about you and your expectations of my conduct

as a human.....



U know the best part of the joke is, seeing the world as it is, we still believe, that you have

time for me and that you can fulfill my every wish. This is the biggest farce in the world,

instilled in each and every human being....we all live with such a big lie. How could you

fulfill my every wish...Oh then they say I think, that God knows best ,when he doesn’t fulfill

any of your wish, it is bcoz he has better plans for u ....wat a heap of crap....

Why not accept God cannot fulfill all your wishes.



How can you do it ....A mother cant fulfill all her kids' wishes...A PM cant fulfill wishes

of all his employees... Then you need to have good n bad ppl too in the world....well again here

I go with one more assumption --

You differentiate us as gud and bad...You perceive our actions as we perceive them to be...

But then in some cultures, it is ok to eat others; in some it is a biggest crime.

Some can kill women as honour killing, some cannot.

In some cultures, u marry the one u love...in some its a shame to luv boss....

now how do u remember our rules....Your software might be crashing at times, huh ...!!!

or is it perfect like you....



So, the software engineer in me has risen up...And I will put it in mails and hope it reaches

to you as spam unless you monitor all our networks n our mails. Let me hope this reaches u....



But then what....U will answer me...how will I know it is you.....

A blind person once said, to know we are missing eyes, we need to know wat is an eye....

And to see an eye, we need a eye :-)



I guess same applies to me too...to all of us.....however hard we try,we may never find you...

Till then each one of us will believe he kows the best and stick to it.



Then as interval, he will meet u and if there is next life ( again a assumption),

you will have cleaned up my memory...so I will go with a clean slate and again try to find you

( assumption -- I would think about u in that life too ).

Life, a Dream ; Dream- A Life

Had to pen this down…though not upto the mark….

God is pretty stereotyped…So, when I refer to God – I mean someone who is what I am to an ant, unreachable n un-understandable…

But I think he shd have some logic behind his actions, like the world of logic he has built.



God I want to believe this life is also a dream in the bigger scheme of things.That I will wake up to a higher consciousness…unhurt and safe.

My struggles, my pain, my failures and my conflicts are just a play, a mock drama, a filler. That at the end of it all, I will be unaffected and secure,

albeit a bit more learned and wise.

A comforting thought ain’t it…I don’t have to take the pain seriously, the hurt is just a manifestation of my subconsciousness…

If this life is a dream, I am ready to dive deep-in, bcoz life is now not a liability, but an adventure; not a problem, but an opportunity, a

stage to essay roles and experience emotions.

God, most importantly, it is between U and ME. After this dream ends, after death brings me back to you, I will be answerable only to you.

To those multitude of people, I will make a relationship with in this life, they may love me, hate me, accept me, deny me, like me, despise me, worst

pity me and always ofcourse judge me..Me whom they don’t even know…

I refuse to accept their judgement of me, bcoz when my life, my dream ends, they will be gone too….and still the reality is I yearn for their

understanding, their empathy and their acceptance in this life bcoz I cannot see beyond..…..

But when I meet U, I want to be able to hold my head high and tell U, yes Boss I gave it my best shot….It was difficult and lonely, but I played

by my own rules. And funnily, it took time, but I LEARNED TO ENJOY EACH EXPERIENCE this life taught me.

God I need your help here. Whenever I fall into the abyss of depression n hurt, desire n lust, self denial n helplessness; come to me.

Come to me in my dreams, whisper in my ears, take me through a ride n teach me to enjoy it. This dream in a dream, every nite, will remind of the

the higher morning awaiting me…



Let me have a dream tonite……Sweet , not necessary J, but your presence, necessary…

The Sun and its Sky

Which is the best scenic beauty one must have seen at sunrise or sunset?

The names speak for themselves right :-)



A sunrise viewed in the backdrop of the mountains or the sea is a site to behold.

Nothing looks so beautiful, so perfect,

so much in sync.



And the sunset, it looks amazing. It is the epitome of fading away in infinity with grace and beauty.



Makes me feel Death may also be so beautiful. Its like the marketing department of Death :-)



Its like the Pied Piper taking U with himself in the tunnel and U would happily follow.

The sunset gracefully takes me into the darkness and I go along with it, not anxious of the lurking dangers anymore.



What is it that makes the Sun so beautiful all the time??

What keeps us amazed when it is fading away or is in full glory??



Can the Sun be thought without the Sky.....nahi naa...

The Sky spreads the word of the Sun around....the beauty, the glory of the Sun...

As if it is his glory, his pride, his beauty....



When the Sun is just rising, when it is still acquiring colors, the Sky can't wait...

It reveals the colours of the Sun shyly rising out.... soft n exciting...promising n bright...



It gives confidence to the Sun, spreading a red carpet, making it feel special n unique...

The Sun accompanied with it rises out to glory.



The Sun is like a proud danseuse..like a fighting warrior... it shines and bursts out with fierce blinding light...

out to daze ... to conquer the world....Proudly aware of its strength..



The Sky as proud is it is of the Sun, gradually filters out the light. It spreads its clouds around and waters down the

blinding sun. It bears all the heat and the light n the arrogant fight for the Sun, so that ppl may not blame the Sun.



It smiles sweetly at the Sun's antics like one would at that of an innocent kid or an unassuming beautiful girl.

It understands the Sun's need to shine,its inherent likeness for space and flow.



So queitly, without any pompousness, it bears the Sun for the Sun :-)



If this is not love, full acceptance, full understanding, full togetherness; then nothing could be so.



And the Sun knows it has to go away everyday leaving its Sky behind.

It transforms its tears into streams of light, which blend with the Sea, so that the Sky may not see its tears.



In parting the Sun and the Sky look the most beautiful n exciting n secretive.

They part in the unuttered knowledge that they have spent the day in love, being loved...this separation today as unbearable



as it is, they will always be together again tomorrow.



The Sky happy to take on the challenges of the Sun and the Sun...the Sun aware that the Sky would want nothing more than



this:-))



Love - not being similar, but being in harmony with our differences.

Love - not wanting to make the other one like u , or yourself like him,

but appreciating his qualities n zhelofying/negating his vanities.

Acting -- The Pulsating Lifeline

Acting .....
its like a breeze of fresh morning air.........
It makes me happy, gives me pleasure,makes me excited and brings out my creativity. Its likes the spirit set free, imagination running wild.

I am basically a big daydreamer. For one small incident/situation/thought ; I imagine all +ve/-ve scenarios about it. But in real life, this leads to expectations, and more often than not, heartbreaks.

But, while acting, these shackles are broken. This is fun, to play with the characters, to build them, to give them aptitude and attitude :-)

Then, later on, to develop the scenes governed by these characters.

What would happen previously would be that my mind would shut-off and make me feel uncomfortablr and unnatural.Also, I would think only of dialogue delivery, and not of body language, mannerisms, etc. The acting workshop made me think of all these aspects also. The nuances need to be thought of, and be captured.

Its fun being there practicing, watching others perform and then the actual performance. This is the part where I always manage to mess up :-( the final act. Lack that common-sense or cool attitude to make up for any goof-ups or accidents.

A cat has 9 lives, but I have only one life, but I have got multiple, hundreds or even infinite lives, as long as I get a chance to get into the skin of other characters; some like me, some opposite to me, some opposite to me, any and every type of being.

Till then so enjoy the part, the drama, the reality.

Whats in a name ??

Why do we need names for everything ? Why to categorize and describe ? Why to assign a meaning and put it in a dictionary ?

In Black, the deaf-dumb girl is taught to associate feelings of the senses with names for it. This is knowledge for her.

But why ? Is it really that important or necessary ? What are the 7 Surs of Music; they are simply a series of frequenices with

a fixed interval. Why to give it a name Sa Re Ga Ma..... why to say this frequency will be Sa and then others have to be in the order...

Why cant Ga replace Ma......Who is to decide that.... Rather why do we need to decide order in each and everything ? In Tabla, why to

think of sounds as Dha Dhin Dhin Dha, etc and then make up ragas and taals ? Why cant we just play to our heartbeat.....Why to have an

order in such things, why do we need to follow the rules made up for these.....Why not be free and play these to the mood and the energy

we feel and the sync we are in with at the time ?????

A whole new industry is up...not with the knowledge that the world or the nature has to give us, but, with the maze of words that

we have created for ourselves. Take languages for example, I mean the grammar aspect of it......So much is said, rules set down, rigidly

followed (myself included). True it is required to set down some order, or chaos would follow. But when things go out of hand, when ppl

make this language ( made up in their own limited sense of hearing, speaking ) , a question of pride, of life or death....Prime examples are

Hitler.

We definitely cant do without naming things, but sometimes it gets irritating and boring and utterly pissed off feeling, to shut off

what your senses tell you in abstract and give a name to everything it means.......Some things cant and shouldnt be expressed in words.

These are better felt by the language of the heart and the soul.

The First Small Big Step

Why is it so difficult to put our thoughts into words, on paper. To make a abstract thing of the mind, a concrete solid line on paper.

Why do my thoughts seem silly and unimportant put on paper when they engage

me,torture me, entertain me; so much in the mind.

Mind it, it is not the constraint that others may read it and blah blah. But suddenly it doesnt seem worth it.

Maybe when I put it to paper, its out of the mind and the mind works more logically,

takes a neutral view on it as it no longer needs to feed the thought and alternately feed on it.

Or maybe the emotional part plays more imp part in my thinking process of ifs and buts. And on paper, it is plain analysis.

Or maybe the mind doesnt like to share its secrets with/thru an inanimate object (the paper and pen) to itself too !!!

Well have taken the first step today to accept it. Now maybe it would allow me to put more things on paper.

Just to put it there, no expectations for comments,analysis,acceptance,rejection. Its a tall order :-) but lets make a start.

Hey I was thinking one more reason could be that it knows that only it can solve it or with discussion with someone else,that it needs to be heard and solved. That a paper cannot solve it, the onus of solving still remains with it and so its illogical or unnecessary or simply useless to put in on paper and view it.



Well, my mind knows itself......I do not understand it.....I play thru it and it plays thru me. Who am I then if I am not my mind and cannot understand it ??

The Handshake

Hi,

Before u delve into this space and share my thoughts and ideas, here's some intro...
Lets shake hands... :-)
I started writing almost 8 months back. So, this blog would contain varied thoughts, funny and serious, illogical and spiritual, any topic or no topic at all :-)

These are the wings of freedom, of expression, of creativity, of freedom!!
Hence, the name....nah its not freedom from the world...its freeing the mind from within, to give it flight, to let it fly n explore........
So, enjoy with me on this journey...